My friend described to me a very disturbing episode in her life when she was 16. After dropping out of high school and then being sent away to a group home, she befriended and started having sex with a 29 yr old attorney (of all people!). She showed me pics of herself at this age and I can see why ANY man would want to be with her. Physically, she was all woman. So at 16, and without her parents permission, she lmoved in with this guy for FOR THE BETTER PART OF 2 YEARS!!! she says he gave her a room of her own. He also "employed" her as a 16 yr old paralegal at his family’s law firm. I guess he wanted to help her out. Hmmm. Needless to say, she seemed to really like this guy, and she went on to tell me that she had a 2 year secret sexual relationship with him. She was making good money, so she never said anything. She admitted she didn’t know at the time the attorney was breaking the law by having sex with a minor. She just knew that she had a home, an older man with money, and was getting laid. Now she’s 23, about to graduate from beauty college and is ready to take on the world. I’m worried now, because ever since moving out of this guy’s house and the six years since, my friend has engaged in prostitution, stripping, and she smokes a lot of marijuana all by herself. She says its her way of self-medicating. Of particular concern is her current views towards how women should treat men and how men should treat women. I think there’s a direct connection to the attorney she lived with. She tells me she has developed a repulsion to kissing men on the mouth and showing any type of affection. She admits that she gets sick to the stomach when her current boyfriend tries to kiss her. She’s been with this guy for two years and has never made out with him. Never once. He’s pissed all the time and she’s still not budging. She actually feels that foreplay is unnecessary and she would rather get right to the sex. No touching, no eye contact, no hugging, no nothing…just intercourse. She also gets mad at her boyfriend when they have sex and he doesn’t pay her cash. She’s complained recently that "he’s starting to slack off." Granted, they met at a strip club, but after 2 years you would think that she would be motivated by other things besides the money he provides to her. GET THIS….he’s an older guy, too. He’s 42. This girl is soooo amazing. I’m jealous of her actually. She’s drop dead gorgeous, she’s a manager at a restaurant, she got her GED, and she’s close to graduating from beauty college. Anyway, the question is should my friend go see a therapist? I say yes, but you guys might think differently. Heck, I think she should write a book. Did the guy have her locked up? No. Did the guy force her to be his sex slave? She says no, but she was 16, so who knows? I do know one thing though….my friend shares with me some very disturbing things about her past and common sense is telling me that what happened to her from 16-18 years old, the most sensitive and impressionable years in a young woman’s life, is messing up her current relationship with a very nice man and seems to have distorted her views of what most young girls are taught about men and relationships. She is hell-bent against therapy, but I told her she should, at a minimum, share her amazing and unique story with a professional. I even told her she could probably reach back and put this guy in jail for endangering a minor and whatever else you could charge him with. I have honestly never met someone with such a hard luck and abusive past who has come out of it virtually unscathed. Inside she must be so twisted. What should I tell her?
She has clearly engaged in a complicated relationship at a time, when as an adolescent, she didn’t really know herself. This is a critical time for young girls and the formation of their identity, and yes, his actions have clearly sent her some confused messages. His rewarding of her behaviour with physical security, including a home, money and a job have made her associate affection with the provision of these things. Even if their relationship was all above board, and he cared greatly for her, this still established a disturbing trend in her, which is what she seems to be coming to term with now. I would agree that professional help could help her to make some adjustments to her sense of self, so that she becomes aware of her potential in society (as a worker, and lover SEPARATELY), but this needs her to reevaluate her own self-worth. Basically, she has to want to seek help – you can only change yourself.
If this is for you…then seek help.
If it is for a friend, then think about to what extent she garners support and compassion from you with her sordid details of her life – this may be a part of her pattern as well – another way for her to gain attention. She has to want change!